The Spider Episode
by Lady Sirinial
Summary: Anna's worst nightmare, and Gabriels worst headache. The 'spider episode' mentioned in "Closet Monsters"...
1. The Bathroom Episode

Disclaimer: I still don't own Van Helsing... It's on my to do list!

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Gabriel Van Helsing, famed monster hunter, and now happily married man, had just sat down with a book. He was still in his robe, he had his soft house shoes on, he had not shaved nor combed his hair, and he was loving every moment of it.

He had just propped his feet up, and opened his book on Werewolves, when a scream echoed across Valerious Manor. Gabriel blinked, closing his book he waited, he heard a crash and an enraged howl.

He leapt up and was running the instant his feet hit the floor. His navy robe billowed behind him as he raced down the hall to his bedroom. Hesitating only a second, he pulled a pistol from his robe pocket. Pulling the hammer back with a sharp 'click', he slowly eased the door open.

His heart in his throat, terrified he'd open the door to see his wife dead at the hands of some hideous creature. Peeking around the corner, he stopped at what he saw.

His wife, Anna Valerious _Queen_ of the gypsies, was standing in the middle of their bed. Fully clothed, hair in utter disarray, one high-heeled boot in hand. He stepped fully into the room and stared at her.

True they'd only been married for a year, but he doubted he'd ever seen her react to anything like _this_ before.

Looking about the room, wondering if he'd missed something, nope, he didn't see anything. He looked back at Anna who lifted her chin and stared out the window.

"Anna?" he said politely

"Yes love" she replied just as politely, though he thought heard a little quaver in her voice.

"What are you doing?" he leaned against the doorframe, folding his arms against his chest. She blinked,

"Taking a bath"

Gabriel raised a brow, and ran his eyes over her apparel.

"Aren't you a little, uh, over dressed for the occasion?" he questioned, realizing this was dangerous territory.

She stiffened slightly, crossing her own arms, boot still in hand,

"No."

He nodded and looked up at her, she seemed unwilling to meet his gaze, he pointed into the open bathroom.

"In there?" he asked as gently as possible. She looked up at the ceiling, then nodded shortly. He nodded again, clearing his throat,

"I'm just going to--," he slid into the bathroom, pistol at the ready.

Expecting Mr. Hyde or at least a rat, he was unprepared for the evil thing that greeted him. Anna's other boot was lying amongst a shattered picture, and on top of her boot, was the biggest ugliest spider he had ever seen.

Leaning casually out the door, he glanced at his wife, who blushed terribly. He pointed in the direction of the 'monster' and mouthed the word 'that?'. She inhaled sharply, glared at him and nodded.

Turning so she couldn't see him roll his eyes, he laid his pistol on the dresser bent over and removed his left house shoe. Turning to look at Anna one last time, he smiled reassuringly and held up the weapon. She did not seem to find this comforting.

Sighing heavily, he apologized to the arachnid, about to strike when a thought hit him.

He turned to find Anna watching him intently, a frown on both of their faces.

"Anna, it isn't evil" her eyes sparked angrily he held up his hand and shoe in a comical 'hands up!'. Once again facing the offending thing, he sighed again.

"I am sorry" he told it, even as he brought the shoe down. One less spider in the Van Helsing house hold.

Standing back up slowly, his wife's boot in hand, he smiled at her and showed her the remains of the thing.

She let out the breath she had been holding and smiled brightly at him. He smiled back, and put his shoe back on. Holding both arms out to her, she stepped down to him. Kissing her lightly on the nose, he ruffled her curly hair and kissed her forehead.

She smiled sweetly,

"My hero" she said mockingly, tossing her boot over her shoulder. He cocked his head and smirked,

"I will be expecting a _large_ breakfast to make up for it" he told her. Stooping for one last kiss he playfully shoved her towards the bathroom. She laughed happily and disappeared inside in a swirl of hair. Staring after her for a while, Gabriel shook his head once more. The great Van Helsing, who had killed Count Dracula, _twice_ mind you, reduced to squishing spiders.

He thought of Anna, and decided she was worth it, after all this would be wonderful for blackmail later.

Just to be safe he waited till he got back to his study before he let his laughter take him to the floor...

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I've got an idea for a sequel, should I continue? 


	2. The Study Episode

There you see, if you review I listen! Enjoy. I'm not sure I could write another sequel, but I might be persuaded...

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Gabriel let out a long sigh as he lowered himself into the hot bath water. Having been bucked off his horse earlier he was very glad for the hot water working his muscles. 

Anna had been in the study when he came home, covered in mud. Her expression had been priceless. A perfect 'o' of surprise, then she had broken down in laughter. So with a heavy sigh he had marched off to his room, thinking that if she'd been thrown from a horse how he would smother her with attention.

He relaxed his head against the back of the tub, thinking of limping to the study and whimpering.

A loud shriek pierced the air, Gabriel reacted instantly, jumping out of the tub... and slipping on a piece of soap carelessly left at the side.

"Aow!" he yelped as he fell back into the tub with a loud splash. He surfaced with a growl, spitting water out of his mouth. Wincing he pulled himself to his feet, and eyeing the soap dangerously he grabbed his robe off the chair.

He secured the belt on his soft robe and slid his feet into his house shoes. Grabbing a sword on his way down the hall, he headed for the study.

Carl peeked his head out of the door and stared as the soaking and bruised Van Helsing marched past him.

"Van Helsing? What's the sword for? Was that _Anna_ squealing like a little girl?" he followed his friend curiously.

"Carl, _those_ who have been known to squeal like a little girl should probably keep comments to themselves right now."

Opening the door both men stared at the sight that greeted them. Anna was holding a book tightly to her chest and staring at the ceiling. She did not move nor acknowledge either of them.

Both followed her gaze slowly, so they didn't miss anything, Carl squinted.

"Is that a spider?" he asked looking back at Anna, waving a hand in front of her face then looking at Van Helsing quizzically. Gabriel fought the strong urge to smack his forehead.

With a growl he handed the sword to Carl, who blinked still slightly confused and placed it on a table. Grabbing a chair Gabriel placed it under the spider hanging from a thin web. Reaching up he grabbed the thin thread of silk, and stepped down from the chair. Anna made a disgusted noise that matched the expression on her face and looked away. Carl looked at her disbelievingly,

"_That_ is what all the fuss was about?! You've fought vampires and werewolves, you _married_ a monster hunter! And you're afraid of _that_!" he asked. Gabriel grabbed him by the collar with his free hand,

"Carl, remember what we talked about in the hall?" he asked politely. Van Helsing handed him the small arachnid,

"Now, I don't care what you do with it. But take it out of here, I don't want to see it again."

Carl looked at him like he'd lost his mind, he reached for the little thread and missed. The spider dropped to the floor, and Anna magically became very animated.

"no, no, no, no, oh kill it! Gabriel!" she said shrilly jumping into her husband's arms. Carl looked at her and shook his head, and calmly stepped on the spider.

"You were trained to deal with all kinds of monsters, you killed one of Dracula's brides! And you're terrified of arachnids!" he yelped. Gabriel gave him a stern look,

"Carl?" he said in a dangerous tone, the Friar turned to him.

"Leave"

Carl shook his head and walked off talking to himself about women all being afraid of two things. Spiders, and rats...

Anna sighed and kissed her husbands cheek softly, he put her back on her feet. It was then she noticed the bruise on his face,

"Ohhhh, you poor thing!" she gasped taking his face in her soft hands. Gabriel was sure he was going to pass out.

"My poor baby" she whispered and kissed the bruise, he blinked absolutely baffled.

"Come on let's get you cleaned up, how about a nice cup of tea?" she said stroking his wet hair. Clutching his hand she pulled him down the hall, as they passed Carl's room the little Friar stuck his head out of the door. Van Helsing grinned widely and waved as his wife pulled him into their room and closed the door.

Carl wondered about what he had just witnessed, his eyes went wide as a thought hit him.

"Every time he kills one does she..." he shook his head to clear the thoughts from his mind and went back to tinkering with his inventions.

Meanwhile, with a triumphant smile on his face, Gabriel was in the bathtub once more. Anna had left to get him a hot cup of tea, and was safely out of hearing range. He laughed till it hurt, wiping tears from his eyes, he shook his head.

Leaning over to the small cabinet next to the tub he opened it and pulled out a glass jar.

Inside was a spider...


	3. The Hair Episode

Yet another one for all you faithful reviewers!

All of you must thank my friend Onisyra, I could not have written this without her. Thanks Onis!

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Van Helsing sat down happily eyeing the sandwich he'd just made hungrily. Taking a huge bite he sat back chewing contentedly. Eyes closed in bliss at the wonderful taste of ham, cheese and pickle. 

The mood was shattered by a long wail that sent shivers up his spine. Standing from his chair, sandwich in one hand, tojo blade in the other (the knife he'd cut the sandwich with). He poked his head out the door, then stepped clear out into the hallway. Still chewing thoughtfully.

He heard a thump and another shriek, he turned slowly. Anna came racing down the hall and hit him in a full body tackle. He coughed and choked as the pickle he'd been enjoying was now lodged in his throat. His tojo blade went flying, Anna was sprawled on his chest, close to tears as she pointed at her hair.

Gabriel couldn't do anything but choke, gasp and point at his throat.

"Pickle, choking! Anna!!" he croaked,

"GET-IT-OFF!" she responded, her face inches from his. It was then he noticed the problem. A tiny spider was in her hair, minding it's own business, it started to crawl towards Anna's face.

You'd have thought Dracula had magically reappeared. She screamed and shook her head, trying to toss it out of her hair.

Carl chose this moment to come down the hall, cradling his new 'Garlic Gun'. His eyes couldn't possibly have been wider.

"Good Lord!" he gasped throwing his hands up to cover his eyes.

"I am fairly certain that is a sin!" he cried,

"Van Helsing in the hallway of _all_ places!"

Gabriel choked and finally dislodged the pickle from his throat. Anna was straddling his chest, she grabbed his cheeks roughly.

"Get it out!" she growled, with a weak smile he reached up and grabbed the eight-legged menace from her hair.

She collapsed against his chest, breathing a sigh of relief.

"You could at least, I don't know, put up warning signs or something!" Carl yelped from behind his hands.

Twisting his head, Gabriel looked longingly at the sandwich that lay just out of reach. He couldn't blame the pickle for choking him, he had after all just taken a bite out of it.

"Anna?" he said softly, she looked up at him, then followed his gaze.

"Oh love, I'm sorry! Come we'll make you a new one!" she said kissing his nose then standing, somewhat awkwardly. Carl peeked from between his fingers, just in time to see Van Helsing motion him foreword.

"I'll be there in a second" Gabriel called to Anna, then turned to his friend.

"I tossed the spider back into the dining room, go get a jar from under the cabinet in my bathroom." He whispered, with a smirk he patted Carl on the shoulder. Turning and putting on the most pitiful face he had the great monster hunter headed toward the kitchen.

Carl looked down at the sandwich on the floor, still intact, then back toward the kitchen, a girlish giggle came from that direction. Shaking his head in disbelief he went and retrieved the little spider, and it finally hit him.

_That's_ what Van Helsing was doing with Anna's hairbrush...

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I might have one more left, would you like it? 


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